Night Prayers

It's late, sometime after midnight. Made a mistake today and didn't say my prayers. Seemed unimportant--a change in schedule, too many things on my list, pretty soon it's the middle of the morning, then the middle of the day, then the middle of the afternoon, then it's evening and I'm tired. It's easy to say "tomorrow" and collapse on the bed. God will understand, right?

Suddenly, I couldn't sleep. One thing or another. Back out of bed. Watching some t.v. alone in the family room. What's bothering tonight? Did I have coffee by mistake or something? Just before midnight I realize how I'm not liking television anymore, even things I've seen before, things that were familiar. Have I changed to where I can't tolerate the junk, the bad jokes, the gunfights, the sad, mistaken attitudes? Turn it off. Try again. Surely I'm tired... sleep must come now.

But it doesn't. In bed, under the blankets, I reach beneath my pillow to touch the holy card I slipped there a few nights ago. Something comforting about the picture of the Saint there, the prayer in the darkness, remembering my family not far away, but near. What did I miss? What remains undone...?

Out of bed again, taking my prayer book to the family room. I know what I need to do, even if I can barely keep my eyes open. I agreed to this when I asked to be allowed to stay with the Franciscans. It's part of the life. Second week of the Psalter, Evening Prayer One. I settle into the rocking chair in the pale lamplight and begin again, walking among the psalms, hearing the promise and the hope. 

"Though I carry my life in my hands, I remember your law... I do not stray from your precepts. Your will is my heritage forever, the joy of my heart. I set myself to carry out your will in fullness, for ever." Psalm 119

That's the deal. We remain free. Our life is in our hands and God's law surrounds us. Over time we learn to rejoice and to do God's will. It's a journey. The Franciscans call it "The Rule". We pray every day, from the book of Christian Prayer. Skip praying and don't expect to be peaceful--in fact, don't expect to go back to the way you were. That door is shut. That ship has sailed. You're in God's country now, better learn how to do it. Carry your life in your hands. It's what he wants. Seek out his rules and his will, follow and do, then you will know joy.

"Enjoy" he says to me when I ask him what he wants me to do.

Enjoy. Bring joy into everything, every place, every moment, everywhere. It's a big job, but he's given us the tools...