2 a.m.

    I woke up this morning at 2:00 a.m. It seems to happen a lot. What is it the body is doing at that hour that lights all the boilers and gets up steam? Night patrol?
    There are many things about our life as Christians that don't get discussed. There is a need for vigilance, since we are told always to "be sober and watchful". We are told that we have an adversary who is constantly on patrol, looking for a way to penetrate and invade. We are promised peace by the Prince of Peace, but he himself went hand-to-hand with the enemy. For a long time, I didn't want to accept the existence of real evil. It's tough to cure a problem when you pretend it isn't there.
     But I noticed that every time JoAnne and I tried to turn more faithfully to the Lord, problems would erupt. And I can talk about times when we, or our friends, had to take immediate action against evil. Best not to delay, instead, be ready, and know your tools.
     I lay in the darkness with these thoughts swirling until they began to fade and were replaced with good memories, thoughts of all the Franciscans who have helped us along the way. I thought I would get out of bed and email someone, just sort of reach out to reassure myself. Our book says Franciscans don't keep quiet when they are in trouble, but call on the community to come to their aid. I don't really need much tonight. Just reassurance.
     In November our Fraternity will have elections and choose new leaders (perhaps?). I realized that this is all new to me. I haven't be following camp for long so I've never had new leaders. I thought of the people who have been serving since I began, how I've gotten to know some of them, how they don't stand out in a crowd, and how my feelings about people have changed. When I started I didn't think being Franciscan was a "big thing". I thought I pretty much knew everything and the Fraternity would be a sort of spiritual sideline. Boy, was I wrong!
     I wouldn't trade my place here for anything (and God protect me from being tricked away!) These leaders are not ordinary people and they do not blend in. They are real Franciscans, living the Gospel and following Jesus, just as I hope to do. And when I was worrying about how maybe new leaders would not be the same, I realized just now that I don't have to worry about that. Even if they are different the Gospel, which illumines their path, never changes. Same or different, our leaders will show us how it's done. The changes in me will continue, and any one of them can stand in front of me and tell me how to walk. God's blessings stretch through his people. I want to learn how to live in such a way that he can stretch through me too...

     As for the other stuff, the fears, the doubts, the illusions, the misgivings... If Jesus himself didn't feel these things at two in the morning, I'll bet Francis did!

     May God grant us all a peaceful night's rest.